Emotional. Been feeling nit picky and filled with judgements lately. I can see it in myself. It’s like the real me is watching as another part of me wants to criticize and complain. I indulged a little two days ago and it only got worse fast. Yesterday I saw it in myself too. Felt like I needed to run to the word of God, run to the Bible to read but I didn’t wan’t to do that. I wanted to “rest”, not “study” so I tried to soothe myself in old ways with chocolate and TV. Funny thing is, there was nothing on. I even ordered a movie on Amazon that after purchasing, wouldn’t play. What the????
Desperate, I ravaged my Netflix list. I hadn’t logged in for quite some time. Determined to watch TV and “veg out” I went for it. Turns out I had a really positive show in the queue which I enjoyed, but even after a really long glorious sleep last night, I wasn’t quenched.
I woke to find I’d missed my meeting with my prayer partner. Heard her message and felt let down. She’s got a lot going on and so she’s sorry to miss but hey… I thought about all the times I redirected my time to accommodate her and was disappointed. Even though I was the one who slept through our appointment time, I wanted and needed understanding. I wanted someone I could count on no matter what.
When a call came in from my print agent to discuss where things are in regards to a pending negotiation, I felt scared. This deal going through for me will be a financial blessing right now and I was afraid of losing it. My agent wants to ask for more which is what she does. It is her profession as an agent to know good terms to ask for. Still I was feeling shaky over it. I requested praying together from my husband who was doing work on his computer. He obliged by holding my hand but when I asked if he would lead us off, he declined which left me to pray over myself. Once again, I felt disappointed and let down.
So what to do?? I requested prayer via some social media channels and then it hit me. I am looking for care and comfort in all the outward places but what I need to do is honor what was placed in my heart days ago and go to God. I cry as I type this because it is humbling to come to this realization. We want to do the heavy lifting either by nature or habit and it is hard to believe that God, a force, that we cannot touch or see is there and will take care of everything. Every thing.
I decided to play worship music and my mood has lifted and now I feel moved to write this because it can feel really lonely and hard when you are walking in faith. Not because God would have it be that way, but because we are stubborn and choose to do things opposite than the loving way that we are directed. Well, at least I do.
If you are struggling with your faith right now, or are feeling lonely in your walk, here are some resources that are literally helping me in this moment:
- Christian Contemporary station on Pandora keeps your mind free of worries, your mood light, and your thoughts centered on life giving truth.
- Being quiet and talking to God. This helps so much in so many ways.
- Instapray to request prayer from other believers and people willing to pray over you at any time.
Even though we have hard times, I know we can all live our best lives now. I know there is always good around the bend even if we can’t see it in the moment. Is there something on your heart today? It would be my honor to pray over you. You aren’t alone.
God loves you, and so do I.
❤️ ❤️ ❤️
Main photo credit: Vandalist Prod